Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
