If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
