if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
