Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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