I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
