If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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