The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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