Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
