I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
