rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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