Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
