We won't sleep together?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
