life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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