I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
