Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
