its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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