When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
