A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
