I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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