I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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