You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
