my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
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Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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