when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
