Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
