My friends, they love my intelligence
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
