Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
