He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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