Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
