I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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