I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
