i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
