This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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