I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
