I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
