I met the friendliest cop last night
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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