i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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