i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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