The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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