How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
