In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
