my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
