I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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