Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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