i don't like sucking hair
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You ruined the universe
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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