I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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