but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
cat food counts as protein by the way
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
