Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
