I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
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he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
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I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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