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Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
