Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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