So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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