I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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