i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
