Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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